Ca c'est moi

I was brought up in Berlin by my English mum and Spanish dad in a flat above the restaurant they owned and where they spent most of their time and so did I. They didn't get on, but despite everything, I had a near enough happy childhood. Good in school, into dancing and gymnastics, loved drawing, always out playing with friends.

Then my mum decided she couldn't do it any longer and literally "run away" to England with my baby brother and me almost 11 years ago. Never have forgiven myself for doing that to my dad whom I love and miss dearly! He didn't deserve that.

Spent the next four years living in the New Forest, going to school, being unhappy and making my poor mum feel guilty for her actions. I'm a good girl really, but I tried to rebel against her by seeing the wrong kinda guy. 34 when I was 17, drugs, no money but my money, jail and virginity. Wish I hadn't.

Moved to London. Continued my spell of rebellion by choosing to study at unfortunately the wrong university and perhaps the wrong course for me. Still came out with a First though. Was sharing with a couple of girls in North London, all well and good. Entered another bad relationship with a guy who hit me. Ended it, and six months later the guy was found hung from a tree. Now, I have a problem with that.

I finally fell in love with a great guy, moved together, went on holidays, loved his family, saw a future and after four years I managed to fuck it all up all in the name of sex. More of that later in a seperate post which will recap the horror that 2008 has been.

So I have now been working in a hotel in central London for the last few years. They don't pay me much and the management is all wrong, but I do have love for the place and my people there. However, I also reaslise that it is time to move up or on. Oh and I've been sharing a house with a guy since October, still don't really know him.

So this is, in short, how I got to where I am. A 24 year-old girl; lost in my past, unable to make decisions about the future, insecure about my body and ability, don't know what I want, a bit of a snob and very selfish, yet down to earth and deeply caring, want to experience everything, emotionally unstable and desperate to believe in true love.

Mariposa

Decision to Blog

Two days ago a friend, a new person in my life I should say, has let me into his world by giving me the link to his blog. I read it, I liked it. And I'm thankful.

I have always written things down in the past, usually in the form of thoughts and feelings rather than a diary of occurances. They are all over my laptop, in notebooks, on pieces of paper and even unsent letters however they have never been shared with anyone. The true reason for this being that I'm a perfectionist. And so for them to be published anywhere, they would have to have been perfect, in other words thought through and manipulated for the desired effect which I now reaslise defeats the purpose entirely.

I wrote less and less during my last relationship and when it ended last winter, so did my writing as I entered into a bit of a depression and I just couldn't face it. One year on and looking back, it probably would have helped me more than anything, even just to put things into perspective.

So after reading the said blog, I have now decided to give it a go and see what happens. I have had to make some promises to myself relating to this. 1) I would be totally honest and say it as it is 2) I would not pre-write my posts or manipulate them in any way and 3) I would not read anybody else's (apart from that of N) with fear of adopting their style. Oh and 4) I musn't tell people I know or else I won't be able to keep numbers 1-3!

Ok so here we are, let's begin!

Mariposa