Ca c'est moi

I was brought up in Berlin by my English mum and Spanish dad in a flat above the restaurant they owned and where they spent most of their time and so did I. They didn't get on, but despite everything, I had a near enough happy childhood. Good in school, into dancing and gymnastics, loved drawing, always out playing with friends.

Then my mum decided she couldn't do it any longer and literally "run away" to England with my baby brother and me almost 11 years ago. Never have forgiven myself for doing that to my dad whom I love and miss dearly! He didn't deserve that.

Spent the next four years living in the New Forest, going to school, being unhappy and making my poor mum feel guilty for her actions. I'm a good girl really, but I tried to rebel against her by seeing the wrong kinda guy. 34 when I was 17, drugs, no money but my money, jail and virginity. Wish I hadn't.

Moved to London. Continued my spell of rebellion by choosing to study at unfortunately the wrong university and perhaps the wrong course for me. Still came out with a First though. Was sharing with a couple of girls in North London, all well and good. Entered another bad relationship with a guy who hit me. Ended it, and six months later the guy was found hung from a tree. Now, I have a problem with that.

I finally fell in love with a great guy, moved together, went on holidays, loved his family, saw a future and after four years I managed to fuck it all up all in the name of sex. More of that later in a seperate post which will recap the horror that 2008 has been.

So I have now been working in a hotel in central London for the last few years. They don't pay me much and the management is all wrong, but I do have love for the place and my people there. However, I also reaslise that it is time to move up or on. Oh and I've been sharing a house with a guy since October, still don't really know him.

So this is, in short, how I got to where I am. A 24 year-old girl; lost in my past, unable to make decisions about the future, insecure about my body and ability, don't know what I want, a bit of a snob and very selfish, yet down to earth and deeply caring, want to experience everything, emotionally unstable and desperate to believe in true love.

Mariposa